Confidence is built, not manifested
I had a really good call last week with someone who’d come across my work.
They asked me a question that’s really stayed with me.
They said:
“How did you have the courage to do this? To back yourself?”
Damn. Ok. Take it easy.
I went quiet for a second.
Because seriously, how the hell do you answer a question like that?
My brain was scrambling, trying to conjure THE MOMENT where it all changed. It was pure chaos in the memory department.
And then I realised something important:
It wasn’t one big leap.
There was no dramatic moment where I suddenly became brave.
It’s been years of work. Like, genuinely years. Starting back in my early twenties.
Yes, I’ve had support along the way - coaching, therapy, courses, mentors.
But more than anything, my confidence has been built in tiny, terrifying moments that felt enormous at the time… and that I survived.
Things like:
The first meeting I ever led (I was so nervous a colleague wrote me a script).
The first time I presented to senior leaders and thought I might pass out.
The first time I asked for a pay rise… and got rejected.
The first time I spoke on a stage to a room full of strangers and didn’t die.
The first pitch I won. And the one I lost.
Handing in my notice and a decent salary for a business I had no proof would work.
Asking for a fee so high I cried afterwards… and then getting a yes.
Each one felt huge. Each one stretched me. And each one quietly deposited a bit more trust in the bank.
Over time, that shit really adds up.
It’s the long, unsexy, unglamourous work of building self-awareness.
Learning what you’re good at. Making peace with what you’re not.
And eventually, trusting yourself enough to step into the unknown and bet on your ability to figure things out.
To build a life where:
you enjoy the work you do
you say no to what drains you
you protect your joy and energy like it’s your job
burnout isn’t a badge of honour (or even a feature)
you choose your hours, your clients, your pace
you work in seasons
you build a life you don’t need to escape from
When I reflected more deeply on that question, three things stood out as the foundations of my courage:
1. Focusing on what I'm good at
Building a business, going solo, or living a more intentional life will test your confidence pretty much every day. There is no neutral ground here. You’re either backing yourself, or you’re undermining yourself.
At some point, you have to stop obsessing over your insecurities and start getting comfortable with your strengths.
This doesn’t mean pretending you’re perfect. It means being honest about what you are really fucking good at. There is literally no space for false humility when you’re asking yourself to take risks.
I don’t doubt myself the way I used to. Not because I’m fearless, but because doubting myself burns energy I simply don’t have anymore. I’d rather put that energy into doing the thing.
2. Choosing radiators over drains
We don’t talk nearly enough about how much the people around us shape our confidence, or how safe we feel backing ourselves.
Confidence doesn’t grow in isolation. It grows in environments where you’re encouraged, challenged kindly, and not made to feel small for wanting more or different.
Everyone in my world raises me up. No one treats my ambition like it’s embarrassing or unrealistic. That didn’t happen by accident.
I’ve had to get honest about who energises me and who quietly drains me. Who leaves me feeling expanded after a conversation, and who leaves me spiralling, self-doubting, or shrinking.
If someone in your orbit consistently makes you feel small or less-than, they don’t deserve to be there. Period.
3. Getting closer to what I want
One of the biggest shifts for me has been proximity to people who are living the kind of life I want. Not just following people who inspire me online, but getting up close with them.
Friends who’ve written books.
Mates who’ve built successful solo businesses.
People who’ve changed direction later than they thought they were “allowed” to.
People who’ve designed lives around joy, freedom, and values, not status.
Seeing these lives up close has completely rewired my sense of what’s possible.
From a distance, big lives feel abstract and intimidating. Up close, you see the uncertainty, the mess, the trial-and-error - and you realise they’re not braver or smarter than you. They just trusted themselves enough to try.
So when someone asks me where my courage comes from, this is the honest (not-on-the-spot) answer.
It wasn’t one big leap.
It was knowing myself. Choosing my environment carefully. And slowly expanding what I believed was possible.
That’s how confidence is built.
Quietly. Over time. On purpose.
A shoutout to my new mate Alex for the brilliant question that sparked this whole reflection.
With love,
Nat x
Something I want to pass on 💌
Back in the summer of 2020, when my confidence was on the floor, I took a newly launched confidence course run by my friend Lauren. It genuinely supported me, and I still draw on what I learned from it now.
Six years and many many cohorts later, she’s poured all that incredible work into a book that's out in March.
It’s built around 24 rules - old confidence rules to unlearn, and new ones to replace them with - with practical tools in each chapter to help you practise.
You can buy it here.
Very much recommended, especially if building self-trust is something you’re actively working on. I hope to see you there!
