When "integrity" becomes people-pleasing in disguise

This one might ruffle a few feathers.

But hey, if we can't question our values in a newsletter called Reboot Required, when can we?

I want to talk about integrity.

That crowd-pleasing, post-it-on-the-wall, sounds-great-in-an-interview kind of value.

I used to treat integrity like it was my personality.

Be reliable. Be consistent. Do what you said you’d do, even if you’ve had three hours sleep and can't remember your own postcode.

Now before someone starts screaming at me, I'm not saying that integrity is bad. On paper, it’s amazing. Of course, we should all aim to be trustworthy, honest, and consistent. But somewhere along the way, "integrity" got weaponised.

In work, it often translates to: show up no matter what. Don’t cancel. Don’t disappoint. Don’t back out. Be dependable - even if it kills you.

We cling to it because it makes us feel like we’re doing the right thing. But too often, it means ignoring our needs, pushing through pain, and proving our worth through martyrdom.

Sound familiar?

Here’s the truth: integrity made me ill.

I've said yes too many times when I meant no. I've showed up when my brain was literal soup. I've cried before meetings, then logged on anyway - all because I thought being someone who always follows through made me a good person.

It didn’t, actually.

It became a value to beat myself with. A badge of honour for overcommitment. A sneaky little cover for people-pleasing in a high-vis vest.

Integrity, the way I was living it, wasn’t about alignment. It was about approval.

So here’s a reframe:

If a value is regularly flattening your nervous system and leaving you one missed email away from a meltdown... it might not be a good value. It might be a coping mechanism.

So I'm choosing self-worth instead.

Eventually, I started working with a value that actually serves me: self-worth.

Self-worth doesn’t mean you flake on everything and live your life under a weighted blanket (although... tempting).

It means knowing that you matter, even when you change your mind. Even when you say no. Even when you do the shocking thing and cancel a plan.

It means understanding that "doing what I said I’d do" is noble… until it becomes a personal hostage situation.

These days, my version of integrity looks like:

• Saying no (politely) to conserve my energy or peace

• Cancelling when my capacity says absolutely not

• Backing out of things I agreed to when I was a very different, wildly overconfident version of myself

And honestly, life feels lighter. Sure, I disappoint people from time to time, but much fewer people than I expected. Most of all, I disappoint myself less.

Because if the options are: Disappoint someone else or abandon myself? I’m choosing me. Every time.

OK, reality check.

Funnily enough, after writing the first draft of this, I had one of those weeks - where your brain’s screaming for rest but your calendar’s like, “No chance, mate.”

And the reality is, when you're a business owner, sometimes stopping just isn't an option.

So if you’re currently in the trenches too, here’s a quick ‘get-me-through-this’ checklist I use:

• Cancel whatever isn’t urgent or revenue-generating

• Lower the bar (no one needs your best work, they need any work)

• Step away from Slack and outside as often as you can

• Eat your favourite snacks, takeaways and chocolates welcome

• Prioritise sleep over inbox zero

• Let people know where you're at (you’ll be shocked how kind they are)

• Don’t spiral - put your ruminations on paper or in your Notes app so they're not taking up space in your head

Keep it simple. You can recalibrate once the chaos dies down. Until then: gentle is good. Functional is enough.

Your turn: a mini values reset

If you’re curious where your own values are helping - or quietly hurting - you, try this 3-step check-in:

Step 1: Define

If you already have your values defined, skip to step 2.

But, if you don’t know your values yet, ask yourself:

When do I feel most like myself? What’s happening in those moments?

Or just type this into your AI tool of choice and let it coach you through it: "Help me identify my personal values so that I can live in better alignment in my work and life. Ask me at least five clarifying questions to inform what my values might be before you offer any suggestions."

Step 2: Review

If you’ve got a list from five years ago, revisit it.

For each one, ask:

Who gave me this?

Who benefits if I live by it?

Do I still believe it?

Step 3: Make it real

Values are just wall art unless they show up in your life.

For each of your values, think about what they look like in practice, ask:

What behaviours supports this?

What undermines it?

Here’s how mine stack up:

• Fun → Protected by scheduling at least one non-productive activity each week (e.g. dance class, watching trash TV guilt-free), starting meetings with memes, and leaving room for spontaneity. Undermined by consecutive meeting blocks, skipping lunch for emails, or saying yes to things that suck the joy out of my calendar.

• Self-worth → Supported by setting limits on client hours, saying no without justification, charging fairly for my work, and celebrating small wins (like 100 subscribers to this newsletter 🥲). Undermined by replying to emails at 10pm, never asking for help, or apologising for needing time off.

• Freedom → Enabled by blocking out focus time, taking midday walks without guilt, turning down work that doesn't align with your long-term vision, and unplugging fully on weekends. Undermined by back-to-back deadlines, saying yes out of fear, or working on holiday "just quickly."

Pick one value this week and get curious. Reclaim it. Redefine it. Or bin it entirely.

Talk soon,

Nat x